Too happy to create?
When it's just no fun despite all the fun being had
With any project, there are ups and downs. It's all great when the inspiration hits and the work flows. And even during problematic stretches, so long as the head and heart are in it, troubles pass, and the work continues. But occasionally, by external difficulty or inner distraction, the job ahead gets the best of us, and we stall.
I was there this weekend, and - please excuse the coarse language - it really sucked.
My particular experience is nothing new. I have a project due, and it's a difficult one. I'm making a couple of probes and a control box for a client, and I need to deliver them soon. The designs are new, so I am working through complex steps that must all go right to make the final probes work. Unfortunately, several of these mission-critical steps have not gone well, which has set me back in time and cost.
Although I wish I could blame it on the complexity alone, it's not so dismissable. No, there's more holding me back besides a complex build. My head is not in it, and my heart is elsewhere, each adding to the challenges before me.
This almost sounds like I'm in a slump, but oddly enough, it's the opposite. I'm, quite honestly, better than I have been in ages. There's a lightness to my being that I almost forgot was possible. It's as if a weight has lifted, and I can see there is far more to all of this than angst and toil. But without that angst, without the inner burn to keep burning at both ends, the work no longer comes as easily as it once did. And I am struggling to be both happy and productive.
Artists, musicians, authors, and other creatives often speak of this phenomenon - that their inventive spark arises from an inner pain. Indeed, some of the greats suffered the greatest and only found an escape in their work. Being far from great, I'm reluctant to find kinship here. But still, the creativity used to flow, even when my heart was heavy and my worries many. Now, as much of that burden feels shed, a distant memory in a way, I can't even belt out one of these missives on a regular schedule. And mustering the drive to tackle the demanding project before me feels like pulling nails with pliers.
Having spent so much of my career twisted in knots, any success I've had walks hand in hand with the pain. Now, without that nagging companion worry, making now walks alone.
It's an odd thing to be complaining about being happy. There are far more distressing concerns in this chaotic world. That said, creativity is part of who I am. It's a joy that has kept me going even when all seemed lost. But the happiness in my heart trumps all that, and I don't want to let it go. Perhaps I need to be content in simply being content for a while. Let the ambitions wain for a time if only to revel in the glory of a different way to be. Yeah, maybe that's what I should do.
After I get this project finished.
Until next time.
JRC